Thursday, December 22, 2011

An Anti-Holiday Cheer Post

Christmas is a season of loving, worshipping, giving, singing, and serving. But it is also one of buying and coveting. It's maddening.

I feel that in order to prepare for the holiness of Christmas Eve and the magic of Christmas morning, I need a little holiday catharsis: cough out the old, breathe in the new. I love how blogging can remind me how ridiculous and frivolous my personal vendettas are.

Making Me Mad--Dec. 2011 edition

Misleading Marketing Ploys:
I bought a bag of Popcorn, Indiana. It was identified with a picture of the state of Indiana and a tractor on the front, making me yearn for a little taste of our former home. Several fistfuls of popcorn later, I read the back label saying that our delicious cheddar popcorn was distributed in New Jersey--not Indiana. Almost instantaneously, my popcorn started tasting like the Jersey Shore.

Two Years without the Christmas Fizz:
Last year, I went to every single grocery store within the Indianapolis city limits and didn't find any evidence of Pomegranate 7Up. For me and my family, the lack of Pomegranate 7Up was a total Christmas ripoff--and the concoction I made with with regular 7Up and fresh pomegranate seeds was lackluster. I wasn't at all surprised that I couldn't find my favorite holiday drink here in rural New Hampshire. Word on the street is it's DISCONTINUED.  I had a little tear in my eye just typing that.

The Ever-Popular PJJ's:
We all know that my life was forever changed by Trader Joe's. It has some kind of mystical power over me; I can't put my finger on it. I get so irked reading about the latest blog post from some blogger out there who just posted an Instagram photo of themselves with their grocery cart loaded with boxes of Peppermint Joe Joe's. I hate that feeling of jealousy. Make it stop.

Daylight Savings:
Out here, the sun is setting after the 3 o'clock hour and it's completely dark by 4 p.m. I'm not used to this freak of nature. Enough said.

More Freaky Nature:
There's sunshine outside. Not a skiff of snow on the ground? This weather is really tripping me out.

Someone Out There Looks Good in My Jeans:
The first and only time I ever got anything for free was last year on November 5, 2010 when I walked into the Gap and was awarded a free pair of jeans. I called Boy up and squealed my good news into the receiver. I was shaking all over with excitement. After two hours in the dressing room, I took home a pair that fit and looked perfectly--and that's seriously saying something considering I had birthed a baby two months prior. Somewhere between Indiana and New England, they disappeared. They didn't surface out of my box of winter clothing. Devastation. Did I mistakenly put them in a pile for Goodwill? The thought makes me itch with madness.

And What Happened to My Second Favorite Pair of Jeans?:
Let it be known that when you've machine laundered and dried your jeans, they gradually wear down in the most inconspicuous places. You'll never know when that moment will come when you will lean down in public and feel a long tearing rip down your rear end. As you sit there, still crouched, your eyes bug out in horror, wondering how to escape. Miraculously, you'd be mighty glad that you were wearing a long sweater jacket, but as you walk outside with your two kids who yank your arms in opposite directions, you're doing the best you can to keep your heinie unexposed as gusts of freezing cold wind whip your sweater around in circles.
The famous bum pocket photo of 2007 can now preserve the memory of these great pair of jeans. They were a JC Penney purchase--the Bongo brand. (I hate JC Penney.) Surprised? Me too.

There's more....oh, there is so much more. Don't get me excited about it because I'm fighting the urge to continue. The Christmas spirit needs to take over now.

Tomorrow, I'll bring out the warm fuzzies.

Oh, and Mom? Don't be offended that after all these years, I hate JC Penney. Do you still love me? I do like their White Sales though.